Jack Thinks
by cerulean1123
Summary: From time to time Jack has questions and Daniel is usually the one who he asks. Not slash.
1. Teal'c's Junior

Jack walked into Daniel's office with his hands in his pockets and a contemplative look on his face

Jack walked into Daniel's office with his hands in his pockets and a contemplative look on his face. Daniel looked up when he heard him come in.

"Hey Jack."

"Daniel."

"What's up? You look…" Daniel finished the sentence with his hands gesturing..

"Well, I was just thinking."

"Thinking? What about?"

With absolute clarity, Jack answered, "Junior."

"Teal'c's symbiote? Why?" Daniels eyes darted for a second.

"Well, what does it do exactly?" Jack's tone was really pure curiosity.

"To put it simply, it acts as his immune system. Mainly fighting off infections and healing wounds and keeping him healthy."

"So, it keeps pretty much keeps him alive his whole life?"

Daniel looked at Jack for a second before saying, "That's like saying it keeps him alive until he dies."

Slightly miffed, Jack walked out of Daniel's office to the sound of the archeologist chuckling.


	2. Present for Sam's Birthday

Daniel noticed Jack had an introspective look on his face when he walked into Daniel's office.

"Penny for your thought's Jack?" Resigned to a Q & A with Jack, Daniel put down the ancient manuscript he was translating. He was thrilled that the inhabitants of P7X-824 had given him full access to their archives but even let him take some of them home in a temporary trade for some of Earth's literary archives.

"I know Sam's birthday is coming up."  
"And?" Daniel motioned him to continue with his hands.

"Well, I noticed how excited she was when you two were talking about that Kupai-LuLu something or other coffee at lunch today."

"It's called Kopi Luwak and it is very expensive. It's like $300 a pound."

"Wow, that's pricey. But it's not like my job lets me spend time off base to actually use my salary."

"True." Daniel couldn't argue.

"So, why is it so expensive?"

Smiling, Daniel answered Jack's question of the day. "It's because a Civet monkey eats the ripest beans and excrets them out. Somehow during the digestive process it helps give it an Earthy natural flavor."

"It's monkey poop coffee?!"

"Yup."

Flabbergasted, "Well, I guess whatever keeps the genius happy."

Jack walked out of Daniel's office muttering about monkey poop.

"You ask and I answer." Daniel laughed and picked up the manuscript again.


	3. Lipograms

Jack walked into the commissary and found Daniel sitting at their usual table.

"Hi Jack."

"Hello Daniel."

"What's with the book?"

"Since I've proved to Sam that I can finish a cross word puzzle on my one, in English, she bet me that I couldn't read an entire book in a week."

"Really? How long ago was this bet made?"

"About six months ago, but since we're on down time for a couple of weeks, she put me up to it when I saw her last night."

Two weeks ago, Sam and Teal'c had a nasty head first tumble down a short cliff. Teal'c was fully healed two days later. But Sam was laid up in the infirmary for another week or so still. She had broken leg, three broken ribs and numerous bruises. The worst one was on her shoulder, where the butt end of her gun had tried to impale her when she landed.

"Ah, that makes sense. I heard a rumor that Doc hasn't let her work on anything except catching up on her mission reports."

"No doohickeys are not good for Sam. She's in some kind of techno withdrawal. It's kinda scary."

"What book did you pick out?"

"Sam wouldn't let me pick it out myself. She said something about me picking Curious George or Goosebumps. She decided I should read," Jack held up the book and squinted at the cover, "Gadsby."

Daniel looked slightly surprised and smothered a knowing grin. "How do you like it so far?"

Jack opened the book to his page marker; he was about one third of the way through. "It's interesting so far. But there is something about the way this guy wrote the story. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's right there in front of me, I know it is." Jack motioned to the open book with irritation. "It's why I've been looking for you. I know that there is something funny about this book."

"Could it be that the book is written as a lipogram?"

"Sure it could be, yea that sounds right."

"You have no idea what a lipogram is do you Jack?"

"No."

"A lipogram is a style of writing that omits a particular glyph from the specific language it's being written in."

"O, yes, that makes total sense now Daniel. Thank you." Jack used that sarcastic tone and smiled rather cheekily at Daniel.

"It means that the writer doesn't use a particular letter."

"That's odd. How bored does a person have to be do that?"

Daniel thought for a minute and actually agreed. "Good point."

"So, what letter did this Ernest guy skip?"

"You really can't tell?"

"Would I ask if I knew?"

"Read a page and try to figure it out."

A few minutes passed while Jack read a page. "I have no idea Daniel."

"E."

Jack looked at the book, "O, would you look at that. No E's."

"Yea Jack, no E's. He didn't use one of the most used letters of our language."

"Are you mocking me Daniel?"

"No Jack, not at all."

Two months later

Jack sat at his desk reviewing SG-1's mission reports; it was their first mission since Sam fought the cliff and lost. He noticed something odd as he read Daniel's. He checked Sam's and Teal'c's and found the same thing. Jack checked the time, it was lunch time, and they would all be in the commissary. He took the three reports with him to the commissary.

"Daniel, you're wrong." Sam emphasized her point with her fork, jabbing the air in Daniel's general direction.

"No, I'm not. The Lekuanis couldn't have-" Daniel was cut off when Sam stood up and said, "Sir."

"At ease Carter." Jack looked at Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c with stern eyes. Then he dropped their mission reports in the middle of the table. "Mission reports written in lipograms are not acceptable, I want these re-written in proper form and on my desk by 0800 tomorrow morning."

With an irritated eyebrow raised, Teal'c looked at his teammates. "Did I not saw it would not be wise to write our mission reports in such a manner?"

"True, but we can still have fun with them." Sam grinned conspiratorially.

The next morning, 0800, Jack's office.

When Jack sat down at his desk, he found all three mission reports there as ordered. Taking a sip of coffee, he opened Sam's. "Damn it." The revised mission reports were written properly all right, in Old English Proper.


	4. Two Man Mission

Jack and Daniel were sitting in the main conference room waiting for Sam and Teal'c to come back from their two person "mission" to visit one of the techno planets that had besotted Sam in more ways than one.

"How did she manage to finagle a two person visit to see that Benny-Han-Had guy with the only other teammate talks less than a monk with a vow of silence?" Jack was furiously clicking his pen, punctuating the high pitches in his voice with it.

"Benin Hadrid." Daniel took a drink from his coffee cup without looking up.

"Isn't that a huge misuse of government property?"

"Technically, the gate isn't _our_ governments. We're renting it from the Russians."

Blank look with deadly glare aimed at Daniel.

"We both know that your 'commanding officer' look won't work on me, never has." Again, Daniel didn't look up.

"I have asked repeatedly that I be allowed to take a vacation on through the gate on one of those tropical, sandy, uninhabited places. Every time, I get told no."

"Sam got to go on her two person mission to see Benin Hadrid precisely because she _wasn't_ going alone. The planet being technologically developed only helps her case."

"Daniel."

"Jack." Daniel did a mental sigh and finally looked at Jack.  
Before Jack could answer the klaxons turned on and red lights washed over the room as Walter's voice came over the speakers. "Off world activation."

Jack and Daniel stood and stared down at the gate watching Sam and Teal'c walk down the ramp. They were escorted by several other Eonnian's, all carrying some kind of package. Sam and Benin were the last two to come through the gate walking slowly, side by side. Sam was positively glowing as was Benin. Daniel and Jack didn't miss that, they both shared a look about it.

"Hey guys. Sir, Daniel." Sam nodded to both men as she came into the conference room.

"Carter, Teal'c." Jack acknowledged both while Daniel just smiled warmly in welcome.

"Who's your friend?" Jack had his hands in his pockets; his left was swiftly reshaping a helpless paper clip.

"You remember Benin Hadrid? He is one of the head scientists of the Eonni's. Benin's agreed to stay on Earth for a few weeks to help us-and them of course-be able to incorporate both of our technologies. Even though our equipment looks entirely different, we discovered that our methods were really quite close. The difference is caused mostly because they use a metal with a-"

Jack held up his right hand with a resigned look on his face. "Save it for the briefing. Go get cleaned up. I'm sure you and Benin are just full of anticipation for this little visit."

Sam turned red and motioned for Benin to follow her to get checked out by medical and then eventually, the showers.

Teal'c had stood impassive the whole time. After seeing that Sam and Benin were out of ear shot, he gave Jack a pointed look with a raised eyebrow.

"Good trip?" Daniel smiled back at Teal'c. They both knew what it was about. Jack was lonely, the only one who was lonely.

"It went well."

"Anything exciting?" Jack knew that the female science twin couldn't stay out of trouble for the whole ten days she was off world.

"Samantha Carter and Benin Hadrid blew up a lab during their initial attempts to converge their power sources." Teal'c lifted on eyebrow and the corner of his mouth twitched so slightly you wouldn't have seen it if you didn't know to look for it. "It was a most, entertaining situation while they explained it to the Naeuri."

Jack grinned a toothy grin in thanks. He was prepared for the briefing now. He looked at Daniel, but realized Daniel was already walking out.

"See you at the briefing Teal'c, Daniel."

"Indeed." Teal'c and Daniel quietly went off. Teal'c to medical for his post-op check up and Daniel went to their quarters, to wait patiently. Daniel thourghly enjoyed their meditation time together; he had missed it during the past week and a half.

Thirty minutes later, Jack moseyed his way into medical and noticed Teal'c was still perched on a bed.

"Where's Carter?"

"Samantha Carter is showing Benin Hadrid where to find the appropriate facilities to clean up."

"Ah. Don't talk the nurses' ear off this time." Jack walked away to find Daniel.

Jack found him in Teal'c's quarters lighting candles wearing only a black tee shirt and their team's blue BDU's.

"You know, if I didn't know you and Teal'c any better, I'd think you had something other than meditating in mind."

Daniel glared at Jack and muttered something in a language Jack didn't understand.

"What do you want Jack?"

"Remember when we were on Edora. You said something about it being anthropologically interesting right?" Daniel nodded. "Do you think you could request a two man mission for an anthropological type study?"

"Laira?"

"Yea, the little guy's birthday is in a couple of weeks." Jack's face was sad but happy.

"I know. I got him some magnetic building blocks."

"I made him a wooden box car."

"Isn't Jasous a little young for that?" Daniel paused lighting a candle for a moment.

"He'll be three."

"Right."

"Do you think I should get Kaina a present too? So she doesn't feel left out?"

"I doubt she'll care, she's only a couple of months old isn't she?"

"Yea."

"You should get Laira something. I bet she'd like that."

"Good idea." Jack turned around to leave.

"Hey Jack. Why won't the SGC let you take another trip to Edora? Why the façade?"

"I already used my one trip for the year to be there for Laira's birth."

***Eonni is Korean for "older sister"

***Naeuri is a Korean honorific from the Joseon Dynasty referring to someone of a higher status

***Jasous and Kaira are the children of Laira from Edora (A Hundred Days: Season 3 Episode 17)


	5. Invisible Ink

Jack, Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c were all in Sam's lab trying to translate some text that had instructions for Sam's newest alien tech toy. To be honest, it was really Sam and Daniel working with Jack destroying paper clips and trying to get Teal'c to engage in an air battle with paper planes. Teal'c was doing a good Godzilla impersonation crushing the paper planes and tossing them in the waste basket.

"You need to lighten up Teal'c." Jack was bored and sighed as he watched his latest version of a paper an F-302 fall into the waste basket.

"Hmm. Would it not be a good idea to eat breakfast and rest at this time?" It was almost 8am on Saturday and Teal'c liked to eat breakfast and watch the cartoon network's Saturday morning program.

Jack looked at the science twins. They looked beat. "Yea breakfast sounds like a good idea."

He had to call them that morning at 3am, when they had been on their way home from a bar, but they did a u-turn and came straight into the mountain. He could tell they didn't bother showering, just changing from their civi's to BDU's. Sam still had on what Jack thought of as 'night out' makeup and he was pretty sure she had glitter in her hair. She also had a very tempting scent still clinging to her skin, the kind of smell that could make a man's mouth water. Daniel's hair was gelled in that fashionable 'bed hair' look and he smelled like Bulgari. Jack consoled his ego by telling himself he only knew what Daniel smelled like because he recognized it as the same scent he wore himself he went out.

Stretching her back, Sam sighed. "Breakfast sounds great."

"Coffee please." Daniel looked at the bottom of his mug wishing it to fill up magically.

In the commissary, all four had finished breakfast and were topping themselves off with the fresh sludge that the chef's called coffee.

"I'm so tired." Sam closed her eyes as she slouched in her chair.

"So, where did the two of you go last night?" Jack inquired.

"A new place called Hypno. It's over in the warehouse district. Huge place, loud music, cheap drinks, drum stage and what not." Daniel answered and used his hands.

"Sounds fun." Jack was reminded rather acutely how much younger his two teammates were at that moment.

"Yea it was." Grinning, Sam stood up and looked at her boys, "ready to get back to work?"

Jack looked at his watch, it was almost noon now. He had left the geeks to their work after breakfast to watch cartoons with Teal'c in his quarters.

"Hey, getting anywhere?" When Jack opened the door, he found the two of them in with only a red light on.

"Shut the door." Daniel was squinting at the document. A close up of the document was being projected on screen in the dark room. Jack could make barely make out the presence of a script that had been invisible to them in normal lighting.

"Carter?" Jack knew he wouldn't' get an answer from Daniel.

"Well sir, we were able to detect a second type of ink on the paper. But we couldn't decipher it in normal lighting. We're experimenting with different forms of UV to try and get the paper to fluoresce.

"You know when, I was a kid. I found that black lights worked best on invisible ink." Jack was being facetious, but was surprised when Sam's face lit up.

The room went dark for a second and then light up again in that strange purple glow that black lights give off.

On the screen, the second, hidden layer of script was clearly visible while the normally obvious ink wasn't. Sam and Daniel grinned at Jack but noticed he wasn't too happy. His arms were crossed and it was obvious that they way his eyes lit up from the light he was scowling.

Sam and Daniel looked at each other. Then their eyes went wide. Flecks of glow in the dark paint were _very_ obvious on each others faces and what was showing of the arms and hands. Daniel had taken off his jacket, flecks of paint and hand prints were obvious on his biceps. As well as the obvious smudges around his and Sam's mouths; and the glow in the dark lip prints on their necks.

"So Daniel, is there anything you want to tell me? Carter?"

"Its not what it looks like Sir."


	6. Chemical Compounds

Jack and Daniel were headed towards Sam's lab to get her for lunch. The whole team was on down time while Teal'c was at Area-51 'volunteering' for tests on his symbiote. They knew Sam would be chained to her desk with science geek stuff she wanted to get done.

"Carter, whatcha workin on?"

Sam was staring at a white board with a partial honeycomb design on it. It looked like alot like a drawing of a chemical compound to Daniel.

"I'm trying to figure out what this compound is. SG-7 came back from their last mission with a sample of something the natives use for mind control on their captives. I've broken down the substance and I'm fairly certian we can recreate it here on Earth. General Hammond thinks that a controling agent for prisoners would be a great thing to have."

"That it would be. So you're stuck huh?" Jack stood next to Sam and stared at the white board as if he was willing the drawing to present it self."

"The weird thing though Sir is that this compound looks strangely familiar. Like I've seen it before."

"Do you think you saw it on Ernest's planet?"

"Its possible Sir."

Daniel made a sound of realization that drew their attention.  
"Something you want to share Daniel?"

"Its acid, er you probably know it as LSD Sam."

Sam's mouth was open in shock.

It took Jack a second, but he had to ask. "And just how do you know that space monkey?"


	7. Animal Instincts

Jack was a little concerned and a lot confused. When he had gotten on the second elevator down Sam had been standing in the corner making random cat noises, mostly meowing and purring. When he got off he looked at the airman on duty.

"Parker, how long has Col. Carter been in the elevator?"

"About two hours Sir."

"Any particular reason?"

"None that I'm aware of Sir. Dr. Frasier said to just leave her be. Topside has been notified to keep her on base if she tries to leave, Sir."

"Thank you airman."

Jack walked down the hall, headed for the infirmary. He wanted to talk with a certain small female doctor.

"Frasier, what is going on with Carter?"

"It's something to do with a device her and Daniel were working on."

Jack gave Janet a pointed look to keep her talking.  
"It seems sir that they have become animals somehow. The notes that we found spoke about animals and getting back to nature. We're assuming it was meant to help the people it belonged to better understand animals."

"And do you think its working?"

"I'm not sure, Col. Carter has been in the elevator for two hours prowling when she's alone and hissing when any man gets close."

"I noticed."

"And before that she was in here but she kept going after anything that shined or dangled."

"How did you get her out of here then?"

"Daniel."

"Daniel? Carter is a cat, what's Daniel?" Jack realized he had no idea what kind of animal Daniel had become.

"A primate."

"Primate as in monkey?" It figured that Daniel would turn into one of the most inquisitive mammals out there.

"Yes sir."

"Okay, so how did the monkey get the cat out of the infirmary?"

"Well, they were getting along just fine. Daniel had been grooming Sam's hair while she was dozing under a heat lamp she found. And then Daniel noticed her dog tags. They spent a few minutes doing a tug-o-war when Daniel ripped it off and ran like the wind."

"Interesting. How did she get stuck in the elevator?"

"Someone sprayed pheromones in there sir."

"Pheromones?"

"Yes, the two of them were running wild around the base when Sergeant Kuska remembered he had pheromones for hunting in his locker and thought it would be a good idea to spray the elevator." Janet's tone was less than thrilled.

"Right, where's Daniel then?"

"He's in the gate room. Siler agreed to watch him while they're doing repairs on the gate."

"What's wrong with the gate?"

"A bomb followed SG-13 through. All off world teams are being re-directed to the Beta site for the time being. No one was hurt, but the clamps on the gate were damaged. General Hammond wanted them replaced before we resumed regular use"

"Gate room?" Jack pointed out the door, which was completely the wrong direction, but Janet got his drift."

In the gate room Jack found Siler arguing with Daniel.

"Daniel get down from there right now!"

Daniel was seated on the top of the gate trying to figure out Siler's wrench, he looked utterly fascinated by it.

"Problems Siler?"

"None Sir. Dr. Jackson sure can climb though."

"Have you tired a ladder yet?"

"He keeps knocking them down before we can get up two steps."

"What's the big rush, I thought gate traffic was being redirected to the Beta site."  
"It is Sir. But we need to do a dialing test on the gate to make sure we've fixed all the damage."

"Have you tried a banana?"

"Yes, but he's really quick. He just grabs it gets back up there before you can blink."

"I suggest dialing a symbol to get DanielJackson down."

"Walter!" Jack yelled to Walter though the glass and got a headshake from him.

"Dialing Chevron one." He said it even though it wasn't needed.

And it worked. Daniel freaked and ran to Teal'c jumping onto his back. Jack figured it could have been two reasons. One, Teal'c was big enough to look like a tree or two, Teal'c was holding the bananas.

*****

The next day after Sam and Daniel had fully recovered and slept some more of it off under the watchful gaze of Janet they were back to work.

Around lunch time Jack strolled into Daniels office.

"Hungry Daniel?"

Daniel looked at the clock; he hadn't realized that almost five hours were gone.

"Yea, I could do with something." He saved his work and left his office with Jack.

"I hear they have green Jell-O today." Jack walked with his hands in his pockets.

"Teal'c should be happy. It's his favorite. I'm not really in the mood for Jell-O though."

"How about a banana instead?" Jack smirked and kept walking when Daniel stopped to scowl.


	8. Buffalo

It was Saturday night and the team was at Jack's house for one of their team night. The four of them were sitting around the dinning table with a mess of menus in the middle trying to decide what to order for dinner.

Sam was sitting in between Jack and Teal'c with Daniel across from her. It figures even when they were on Terra Firma those two would still want to guard her on both sides, and they even made her sit in the chair so she had her back the wall and was unexposed. Sam did a mental eye roll and listened to the three of them argue.

"I would enjoy consuming a pizza this evening." Teal'c had a local pizza menu in his hands.

"I am not in the mood for pineapple and anchovy pizza Teal'c." Jack looked right at him when he said it. Few people have the guts to disagree with Teal'c _and_ look him in the eye when they do it.

"I said I would enjoy a pizza, not sharing a pizza O'Neill." Teal'c raised an eyebrow in satisfaction.

"How about Thai food?" Daniel asked with a hopeful voice, but his face said he knew it wouldn't happen.

"Again Daniel?" Jack was whining now.

"What about fish and chips?" Sam spoke up in a cheery voice; they always went for deep fried when someone, aka Sam, reminded them it existed.

"Hey that sounds great." Daniel grabbed the Buzz's Crab menu and the Jack leaned in to read it too.

"Hey look, they have buffalo prawns." Daniel pointed to a spot on the menu.

Jack made an interested sound, "O, made with real buffalo?"


	9. Experiement

"Hey Daniel, why do you think little kids throw tantrums?"

"Mhmm," Daniel was busy reading the ingredients on a cereal box.

Jack looked thoughtfully at Daniel for a moment longer. Daniel had one hand on the shopping cart and the other was holding the cereal box. Really, how many ingredients could there be in cereal? And for that matter, if they're artificial they must be really wacky for the linguist to be so engrossed.

Jack decided to take action and used both of his hands to grab Daniels one on the cart. And then screamed the most dreadful and pitiful cry you could imagine coming from a 3 year old and flung himself backward in the shopping cart seat for dramatic effect.

Jack wailed as Daniel quickly abandoned the cereal box and picked up the screaming toddler. "It's because it's the only way to get an adults attention when you're this small!" Sobs, tears, and hiccups followed immediately.

38 days before

"We have possibly discovered a new method of cloning that will allow us to reproduce and save our species." Thor looked around the meeting table and meet everyone's eyes.

"That's great." Daniel smiled, he liked the little gray guys, girls, people…other race.

"We will require your assistance in the final stages of testing." Thor looked pointedly at Jack.

"What can we help ya with buddy?"

"We will need a test subject." Thor was still looking pointedly at Jack.

Jack pointed to himself with eyebrows raised.

"You are an advanced human being, and have survived the cloning process before." A slight nod with the intense stare now.

"What exactly is the new process like?" Carter smiled, showing only a little apprehension.

"An event similar to the first time we cloned O'Neill. A sample of DNA, accelerated growth, tissue samples, and a study of all data acquired."

"Yes, of course. But what exactly will happen to Colonel O'Neill?" Hammond leaned forward with interest.

"A clone will be made from his DNA. We will of course remove the protection we put in place that caused issues with Loki's experiement. We have increased the natural growth rate by approximately 28x of your earth days. We feel that any faster than this and the body would not be able to successfully develop the organs required for reproduction."

"So…he'll age about a month a day?" Daniel had that questioning and curious look now.

"Yes." Thor looked at Daniel like he was slightly stupid for asking about such simple math.

"Well, how bad could it be Jack? It won't actually be you, it'll be a clone." Daniel seemed quite optimistic.

Back to day 38 of the experiement.

Clone Jack looked at Daniel with a red face, tears on his cheeks, hiccupping between sobs and yelled, quite rhetorically. "How bad could it be?"

Day 160

Jack was nearly equal to 14 years of age and was not enjoying the acne, hormones and unreliable voice.

"It is time for more samples." Thor was in one of the medical rooms with Clone Jack and Daniel.

"How ever, now that it is evident you have begun sexual maturity, we will now require an additional sample beyond hair, skin, & blood."

Clone Jack knew full well what Thor meant. He turned to Daniel and said loudly, "How bad could it be?" The amount of menace he wanted to imply was rather diminished when his voice broke.


	10. Rabbits

Daniel walked into Jacks office munching away on a bag of carrots and held out the bag to offer the contents to Jack.

Jack looked at the bag, then at Daniel and raised his eyebrows, "Do I look like a rabbit?"

"There was that incident on PX7-839."

*death glare from Jack to Daniel*

At lunchtime later that day:

Jack sat down across from Daniel. He glanced at Daniels plate, mostly salad, with some fruit for color. Then Jack looked at his own plate, lasagna & bread, no 'rabbit food'. Daniel caught his look and said, "Wad up Doc?"

Jack sighed, "Don't you ever eat anything but rabbit food?"

Daniel stopped the fork half way to his mouth "Well, yea. Rabbits don't eat cake, or pie. Or coffee."

"You can't eat coffee."

"Yes you can."

"No you can't."

"Yes. You can." Daniel emphasized 'can'.

"Okay genius, how can you eat coffee."

"Coffee ice cream, chocolate covered coffee beans, coffee cake – "

Jack held up a hand to stop him, he had visions of this verbal food list lasting forever like Bubba's Shrimp list in Forest Gump.

"My point is veggies are meant for rabbits, its rabbit food."

Daniel took a drink of water, "You know, there are only really 2 ways in which people are compared to rabbits."

Jack chewed his lunch but gave him a look that said to go on.

"Eating vegetables and having sex."

Jack stopped chewing for a second, then started again and swallowed the bite with a drink of water. "Does that mean if you eat a lot of vegetables you have a lot of sex?"


	11. Anti Fart

Daniel was leaving his office to refill his coffee cup before the 10am meeting when Jack rushed up to him very quickly.

"Hello Jack."

"Daniel."

"You look a little flushed, what's going?"

"Got any Bean-O or any other anti-fart?"

"Anti Fart?"

"Yea, I'm lethal after spending all day in Korea Town with you yesterday, eating all those weird foods. We've got that meeting in a few minutes." Jack's face tinted slightly pink, any other man would have been considered blushing.

"I've got some gas-ex chewables in my top drawer." Daniel motioned towards his desk and continued on his mission for more live saving coffee, and in case Jack wasn't kidding about being lethal.

"O thank you." Jack let out his breath with a grateful tone and rushed towards Daniel's desk.

Daniel hollered down the hall, "Any time stink butt!"


	12. Protection

After 4 weeks of down time, the base was back to being fully operational after being over run by a gerbil size alien rodent. Several of the creatures had hitchhiked in Team 14's gear on their return trip. Team 14 had been documenting the weather of a moon that was being seriously considered as a type of asylum planet. After 2 months of long work they were being rotated out so another team of land developer type people could start work on permanent habitats and defense installations.

While they took all the usual precautions while packing up and returning from an alien planet a few of the creatures made it to the base. They not only escaped being noticed during unpacking, but also managed to stay stealthily hidden in an unused lab while their numbers grew. Thankfully security protocols kept them from escaping and taking over Colorado. However, given their quick gestation, maturity and voracious appetite, they were difficult to exterminate.

Jack was wandering the base enjoying the fresh paint smell. He could tell where maintenance had painted over the scorch marks from burning out he critters. Jack had spent his time off at his cabin courting the fish in his pond and nursing a beer. It was bliss. On his last lap he'd ran into Carter and Teal'c who were both happy to be back. Teal'c had been off world escorting VIP Jaffa at the Alpha site and Carter had been playing at Area 51. During this lap it looked like Daniel was back.

"Hey Danny Boy. Enjoy your vacation?" Jack leaned against the open door frame to Daniel's office.

"Yup, sure did." Daniel ended his sentence with a small grunt as he lifted a smallish chest onto a table, his back was to Jack.

"What did you do?" He was leaning in closer, curious about the chest.

"O, I went on a dig. It was in this tiny, remote village in the Himalayas. I brought a few things back that I suspected could be from Yu's early reign."

"Anything good?" Jack was right behind Daniel now and stepped back quickly when Daniel turned around to face him.

"Yes." Daniel held a small jar in his hands and did that pursed lip & furrowed eyebrow thing. "Jack?"

"What's with the beard?" Jack pointed to the monstrously full, slightly curly, mass of chestnut brown hair that was coming out of Daniels face.

"O, yea I should shave huh?" Daniel ran his hand down the side of his face and down the length of his facial hair.

"Why did you grow it all?"

"Protection."

"From the cold?"

"From the locals."

"How does that" – firm finger pointing – "protect you from people, is it bullet proof?"

"They fear the beard."


	13. Kitty Biscuits

SG1 was sitting around the conference table waiting for General Hammond. It was time for their post mission debriefing.

"Does anyone else still smell cat nip?" Jack sniffed the collar of a clean shirt.

"No, we all showered and changed clothes after returning." Sam looked at him and sniffled.

"Indeed, I have continued to feel like there are cats winding themselves around my ankles" Teal'c looked like he wanted check under the table, just to make sure.

Daniel Jackson looked miserable, his eyes were puffy, and his nose raw, "Whatever, I'm just glad to be home"

SG1 had spent 48 hours on a planet with no human life, but plenty of feline life. Given that the Goa'uld had taken on the God's of Ancient Egypt, it made sense that one of them would take it too far. The Goa'uld on this planet had taken cats, the Egyptian guardians of the underworld, and genetically engineered them to be "more". Daniel didn't get too far in his translation of the notes thanks to his allergies.

General Hammond came in and sat down at the table. "So, did you find any trace of recent Goa'uld activity?"

"No Sir. We did find old partially mummified remains in the main structure. It looks like at some point the uh, cats, turned on the Goa'uld and his Jaffa during the night. We found skeletons in what looks like the barracks and another in what appeared to be a lab of some sort." Who else but Sam would give the intro to the mission debrief?

"How can you be sure it was a Goa'uld?" General Hammond likes to be sure.

"We found a teeny tiny snaky skeleton with that one." Jack did the squinty eyed, slightly disgusted face as he answered.

"So, no life other than the animals?" General Hammond skimmed the first page of the preliminary report, "And most of those seemed to be cats?"

"Yes sir. No threat, no humans needing help, no tech, no weapons. Just lots & lots of cats and fields of cat nip as far as the eye can see." Daniel had his arms crossed and his head leaning back in his chair.

"It was a relaxing and most entertaining mission General Hammond. While Samantha Carter and Daniel Jackson explored the laboratory, O'Neill instructed me on how to use a laser pen to exercise the cats, and I also learned how cats like to make 'kitty biscuits' on human abdomens. Although it does not work so well on a Jaffa abdomen." Teal'c did that one eyebrow lift and one corner of the mouth lift to indicate he was amused, but not enough to laugh.

"Kitty biscuits huh? Learn something new everyday don't you?" General Hammond just smiled, happy that a mission for his flagship team didn't end with any kind of disaster. "Dismissed."

Jack and Daniel sauntered down the hall way to get some chow. Jack looked over at Daniel with that questioning look. "So, if a cat makes kitty biscuits on a red-head, is it then called ginger bread?"

**Just to be clear, "kitty biscuits" is what my family calls it when a cat kneads/paws a persons belly.


End file.
